Well folks, after a year of retirement, I decided it wasn’t time to hang up the cleats (or in this case, the laptop) just yet. You don’t realize how much you miss the game until it’s gone. What better way to kick off my writing return and this new fantasy website than with a draft diary? That’s right men, its draft season! Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife. Call up Mel Kiper, Jr. And let’s get down to business. Napolean Kaufman’s Bible Study is officially closed until further notice, so it’s time to introduce you to “Ricky Watters Fishing Charters”. I chose this name, recommended by the creative genius himself, Mike Casazza, for many reasons. For one, when I asked the other nine guys what they wanted the league name to be, I learned what it felt like to be ignored by nine guys. It was at that very moment I knew how important this decision was to them. So I went back to the list of recommendations (all three of them), dug deep into my creative juices (realizing they had run dry), and then I knew. There was never really any question what 90s mid-to-below average running back we should honor. It was Ricky. The man that made the $93 investment of my life savings on Game Gear at the age of 7 well worth it, with his other-worldly performances in Madden 95 for me.
Who needs HD with graphics like these?
Three years later, Ricky would put on the single greatest rushing performance in video game history never told. It was at that time I rented NFL Quarterback Club 98 from Video Den (possibly West Coast Video – regardless, both stores that are thriving in the Netflix age). It was in this 3-day period (not trying to get late fees on a $3 weekly allowance) I rushed for over 1000 yards in one game with Ricky Watters on the Seahawks. Let me stop you for a second. I think what you may have heard me say was, “I rushed for over 1000 yards in a season with Ricky Watters on the Seahawks”. When I actually said, “I rushed for 1000 yards in a GAME with Ricky Watters”. Four minute quarters. Averaging over 90 yards a carry. I took every kickoff and punt return to my own 1-yard line and ran out of bounds. Then I handed it to Ricky, ran straight to the sideline and straight up the sideline every time. And he scored…every fucking time. Somehow, winning the game 119-0 was fun for me. But I digress. I think what I’m trying to say is, Ricky Watters was my favorite running back of the mid-90s. And in my eyes, he’s 100 times better than his mediocre stats lead the common man to believe. He’ll always have that 1000 yard game in NFL Quarterback Club 98. You can’t take that away from him. He’s the perfect choice to represent our league.
So before we get into the draft I already feel uneasy about, let’s reintroduce you to the most competitive, cut-throat, $50 buy-in league this side of the Mason Dixon. Let’s meet the contenders:
Pick #1: Mr. Rodger's Hood
(James “Smooth Jotaman” DeSimone)
J boasts the league record for last place finishes. He’s also the all-time leader in first overall selections. J has had the first pick three years in a row! He’s an IT guy, so I’m pretty sure he’s hacked the Yahoo! Randomizer. I’m afraid that’s only speculation though. He used his last two #1 selections on Adrian Peterson. Third time is the charm J. Speaking of third, that’s what place J came in last year. An accomplishment that shocked all, including J himself. I think J’s finally got the grasp of fantasy. I don’t expect him to be at the bottom of the leaderboard any time soon. But I do expect him to rip me a new one on the forums if I try to make any blockbuster deals with Edlin.
Pick #2: Dirty Mike & The Boyz
(MC)
Mike’s team will have sex in your Prius, and that’s non-negotiable. But aside from the dirty business, Mike’s team will do a lot of other things. I’ve compiled a list:
1) As I’ve told you before, they’ll historically bore you to death
2) More recently, they’ll usually fill the injury report (lot of red “O”s and “IR”s next to his players)
3) On paper, they’ll look a lot like the Washington Redskins. In fact they are usually the Washington Redskins (not if PL has anything to say about it this year)
4) They’ll have a quality, well-constructed, creative team name (and I’m not just saying that cause I recommended this one)
MC also prepares better than anyone in the game. Mel Kiper calls Mike for fantasy draft strategies. No one has seen more mocks than this guy. He needs to know if he can wait til the 14th round to snag Crabtree or Amendola. And he needs to be within two standard deviations sure he can do this. Only way to ensure that? He's got to mock like there’s no tomorrow.
Pick #3: Pink Fluffy Apes
(Edlin)
Smh. For those of you that don’t know Twitter lingo, that means I’m still “shaking my head” about Edlin’s performance last year. I brought Edlin into the league for 50 free bucks a year ago. Edlin won the league. I paid him $400. Safe to say that plan backfired. Pressing send on PayPal was painful. It still hurts to think about. The guy had a girl draft his team last year. A girl that wouldn’t even tell us her “a/s/l?” when six of us simultaneously messaged the request to her in last year’s draft. That’s not a girl I want drafting in my league. To make matters worse, I traded Edlin the final pieces he needed to win a championship. After I spent a week vehemently arguing with JJ as to why Edlin was getting the better deal in the trade. Yeah, cause that makes sense. I wouldn’t condone starting arguments with J. Anyways, I must admit there was one great thing that came out of the Edlin signing. For the first time since Steve left, we were finally able to find a 10th guy that came back to play the next year. So for that, I commend you Edlin. But seriously, if you win the league again I’m kicking you out. I’d rather have a Bye Week than you as a 3-time champion.
Pick #4: KDUBS ALL STARS
(K Dub)
I actually thought K Dub quit the league when I saw the first episode of Hard Knocks and noticed him taking snaps as a rookie tight end.
But K Dub made it clear league rules didn’t prevent him from participating, so the 1-time champ is sticking around. K Dub is sporting the league’s best team name for the 9th consecutive year. I’m also fairly confident this is the 9th consecutive year he’s had the 4th pick and almost certain he’ll take a QB for the 9th consecutive time in this spot as well. One thing that’s definitely certain: If he drafts Michael Egnew as his tight end, I may lose it.
Pick #5: Heisenberg’s Heros
(Millaaaa)
Scott was the MVP of the draft this year. Not only did he put on an Academy Award winning performance in the pre-draft video, he also took care of everyone's drinks for the night. I could get used to Scott being a professional golfer. Play on Scott. Play on. In one of my favorite scenes of the movie, Scott revealed his picking strategy - taking a four iron to a cardboard box of player names. Normally I'd say this was foolish, but it left Scott seeking Stafford, McFadden, Fitzgerald and Jones. Maybe there's a method to his madness after all. If he snags those guys, I think Scott's an early favorite to take down the league. At least if he wins, we'll know he'd be game to spend his winnings on a night out at the club for all of us. Dez Bryant will have to ask the Cowboys for permission to attend. Speaking of Dez...
Pick #6: DezB TROLLnSECURITY
(Toph)
Toph, known for years as a league bottom dweller, finally put together a notable season last year. In fact, it was the greatest season in league history: 13-2. But much like the 18-1 Patriots’ season of ‘08, it was a year that will only leave Toph with disappointment and the thought of what could have been. In my expert opinion, Toph wins that game 9, nah probably only 8 times outta 10 (only championship teams can win the big one 9 times outta 10 (like the Giants)). And last December, Edlin caught Toph on one of those two off days. So the question is. How will Toph respond? Will he show his resiliency? Come back with unfinished business and a chip on his shoulder? Or will he revert back to his old ways of picking “his guys” and fall back to the all too familiar league cellar?
Pick #7: 2K All Day & Moore
(BT – The Commish)
Last year was a fantasy year I’d like to forget. It all went downhill when I made the decision to follow Matthew Berry’s advice and draft Michael Vick. I also guessed wrong with Felix Jones – very wrong – and broke my Cardinal rule of fantasy drafting: “Never take a Jet. Even if the #9 ranked player falls all the way to you in Round 6”. There’s a reason Shonn Greene was still available. The guy blows. Anyways, I’ve put my arguments with JJ, poor trade decisions and terrible draft choices behind me. Everyone has a bad year. There’s a reason we’ve never had a repeat champion. Everyone was gunning for me the whole time. And yet I still finished in 4th place, scoring more points than either championship participant in Week 16. I think it’s safe to say I’m well on my way to a Hall of Fame career. But I refuse to be satisfied. Three titles aren’t going to be enough. I’m coming for more.
Pick #8: Mr. McGibblets
(ZR, Zermanatrix, Zerm Germ, Ruby Tuesday, The Red Rubin, Movie Maven, Poof, etc.)
ZR is a 1-time champ, he’s beloved in the forums and he’s already guaranteed victory this year. Championship or not, he’ll still provide much needed entertainment value in the forums. Spoiler Alert: Despite the unnecessary excitement over his first round pick of Rashard Mendenhall last year, ZR chose not to take him with his first pick this year. I guess ZR’s hoping for more production than 320 yds and 2 TDs out of his top pick.
Pick #9: Captain Insano
(G Com)
I’ve always said G Com was the most intimidating opponent in fantasy year-in and year-out. Well, after 8 losing seasons, I’m ready to declare G Com’s fantasy teams unintimidating. Some thought a late acquisition of Aaron Rodgers would put G Com in line for a ship last year. However, that didn’t prove to be the case. A weekly hard on was the only thing G Com walked away with from the Rodgers deal. Better luck this year buddy.
Pick #10: SKYS OUT THIGHS OUT
(Phil)
It seems Phil has been studying draft strategies of the past to get a leg up on the competition. Or a thigh up if you’ve seen his new chubbies. He saw MC’s two titles and seems to have given MC’s approach of taking the all-Redskin team a shot, grabbing RG III and Fred Davis consecutively on a 7th and 8th round snake. While many others felt he panicked, I noticed MC shed the tear of a proud father when he saw PL’s seventh and eighth picks on the board. I’d like to say this was a bad move, but it’s literally worked for MC two times already. I’m starting to think it’s a viable draft strategy. PL’s team is now on my radar.
Now that we’ve got a good feel for the teams, let’s get to the draft. Pick #7 this year, which was surprisingly my second choice behind Pick #3, so I can’t be mad about it. No jerseys this year. Can’t bear to wear my Plax or Vick jersey and my Mark Brunell Jags jersey just doesn’t fit over my chiseled arms any more or my ever-growing beer belly. Ps. My next jersey purchase is going to be Kenny Phillips. Kenny, expect to be in jail in the next 3-4 months. I’m sorry man. I couldn’t do that to Pierre-Paul. You gotta understand.
Now before the draft starts JJ and Miller would like to show a short video they put together for the league this year:
Just kidding. J requested the video not be released for the public eye. Pretty sure anyone outside this league would have no idea what the eff was going on if they watched it. If you're reading this, you've already seen the video and know it can only be describe in one word:
Awesome.
Now that the video talk is over with and everybody’s got their internet connection, let’s get this baby started.
Oh, shit. J got so caught up in showing his video he didn’t realize he wasn’t connected to the internet anymore. Not his smoothest moment.
We all calmly say it’s no problem, because he’ll have a minute and 30 seconds to sign in and make his pick.
(Two seconds later…)
Its my time… selected Arian Foster.
Ooohhh, righhtttt. It autodrafts after 5 seconds when you’re not signed in.
Six seconds in and we need to redraft? What is this people? It’s been nine years. This draft is supposed to run like a well-oiled machine. Who’s the commissioner of this thing anyways? And why doesn’t he know he can pause the draft for up to 15 minutes? Really dropped the ball on that one.
The draft continues to go on as we’re unsure what to do.
Everyone let’s their pick wind down to the last second (except Edlin) and we debate where to go from here.
In a matter of minutes, Edlin drafts JJ’s pick, K Dub settles for McCoy when he wants Foster, Miller picks up Brady when Edlin would’ve taken him and everyone else is unsure of whether or not to reveal their ideal picks in their respective position. This is a disaster.
A minute later, Toph grabs McFadden before me. Now I really want to start over. McFadden was my guy. It’s CJ2K or CJ1.6K (Calvin - but do I really want to go down that road again?). I can’t really even think with the chaos that ensued in the first 6 picks, but I finally settle on Chris Johnson. Bounce back year CJ. We need it!
Now I discover that I can pause the draft after all. “Shit.” We spend the next few minutes debating our options. We do an offline redo of the first five picks and determine Ed will trade Rodgers to JJ, JJ will send Foster to Scott and Scott will send Brady to Edlin. Done.
Game on!
Wait...there’s still 30 seconds left in my timeout. Gotta wait for the TV guy with the orange gloves to step off the field.
(Waiting….)
And we’re good.
My game plan going in was to go RB-RB to start. But MJD’s holdout still scares me, Mathews collarbone is too brittle for my taste and Marshawn Lynch is too much of a wildcard. I’d rather wait for Fred Jackson. After contemplating Killa Cam, MJD and Jimmy Graham, I settle on Graham. Kind of want that one back. At least I can still get Fred Jackson though.
Until, naturally, Scott takes him two picks before me. I should have known Scott would reach for one of his players from last year. Does it every time. Even asked if Sidney Rice was still in the NFL. I’d understand the approach if his teams were coming off championships, but they’re always coming off losing seasons.
So who am I supposed to take? Peterson? Richardson? Bradshaw? Martin? Not the guys I had in mind. This is why I was supposed to go RB-RB to start. I settle on AP, well aware he’s going to re-tear his ACL on the first series in Week 1. (Gulp.)
I then take the time to mention to the guys that traded their first pick after the internet connection debacle that they should be drafting as if they have the guy they traded for already. So for example, since Scott was giving Brady to Edlin and getting Foster, he should make his next picks as if he already had one running back.
Miller: “Oh fuck, I haven’t been doing that”.
I look at Miller’s team. Brady, MJD, Fred Jackson. In reality, it’s Foster, MJD, Fred Jackson.
Toph: “How the fuck do you not know that?”
I realize now it was Miller’s mistake that cost me Fred Jackson. He would have taken a QB or WR in his place and I would have gotten Fred two picks later, since Toph already had two RBs. We thought we corrected the error, but in reality, everything was pretty much fucked the moment JJ lost his connection. As ZR would say, “This changed the whole complexion of the draft!”
An asterisk is going next to the champ this year. Unless AP does awesome and I win the title.
As the picks roll back around, its WR time. G Com keeps urging Phil to draft Marshall so he can maximize his NFC North receiving crew (after just taking Jennings). I too egg him on to go NFC North all the way and say he should take Titus Young in the fifth. In reality, I’m hoping this pushes Phil away from Marshall, because I secretly want him. My strategy works. Phil takes Welker.
At the same time Toph keeps clamoring about “his guys”, saying he’s got four of them and he might be able to get them all – much to his surprise. This leads me to believe the Toph of old is back. Settling for “his guys” never worked in the past. And the fact that he thought he’d get maybe one or two of them and it’s looking like he’s getting all four, means no one thinks “his guys” are anything special. Turns out his guys were McFadden, Mathews, Marshall and Cam. He got three of them. I wanted McFadden and then returned the favor in the fourth taking Marshall the pick before him. Man loves his Bears, but he’s going to be simultaneously cheering for my fantasy team when B Marsh puts up 1300 yards and 12 TDs this year.
Toph settles for Percy Harvin. A solid producer for his team late in the season last year, and the object of Matthew Berry’s affection this year.
In the fifth round I decide to reach and go for Dez Bryant right now. Only Toph snatches him a pick before me. If this keeps up, I don’t know what my team is going to look like. I decide its quarterback time. Earlier than I wanted, but the list is starting to run dry. I go with Matt Ryan. This is supposed to be his breakout season. He’s got the weapons. Show me what you got Matty.
It should also be noted that our league, notorious for taking seven QBs in the first round, had only taken five in the first three rounds. This is a groundbreaking achievement for our league. I was legit shocked.
K Dub waited on a QB until round five. I asked him if he was feeling alright.
In round 6 I take Desean Jackson, because I’ve been informed he’s catching everything in practice this year (now that he’s trying and all). I hate Desean Jackson.
At this point ZR asks the crowd who the heck Heisenberg’s Heros is anyways? Well ZR, its Scott, the guy that’s been sitting next to you for the last 45 minutes. Where has this kid been?
According to MC, he’s been too distracted detailing everyone in on why his picks are so great and taking the time to explain to G Com why he doesn’t think any of his picks are good.
I want Reggie Wayne next. Toph takes him. Seriously dude, wtf??
I take BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Still rooting for the day BenJarvus’ son marries Dominic Rodgers-Cromartie’s daughter, so their son can be BenJarvus Green-Ellis-Rodgers-Cromartie, III.
Oh and I hope he scores 12 TDs this year. He did it in an offense that ran the ball like 15 times in a season the last two years. That should mean good things for me, right? Hopefully.
It’s Phil’s turn to close out Round 7. But he’s panicking. I can tell because he has a panicked look on his face and he turns to me and says, “I have no idea who to take with these two picks.” Phil lets the clock run down to one second and takes Robert Griffin III. Yep, he pani…
SKYS OUT THIGHS OUT selected Fred Davis.
Did Phil just take back-to-back Redskins on a snake?
Phil’s facial expression said it all after those picks. Just in case we weren’t sure, Phil mumbles, “I fucked up there.”
In the eighth, I take Kenny Britt.
Toph: “Well Bob, you returned the favor.”
Finally, a taste of his own medicine.
Missed out on Blackmon in the ninth so I took Little. Forecasted I should probably take Toby in the 11th or 12th. ZR then promptly takes him in the early 10th. You kidding me ZR? What the eff do you need Toby for?
ZR: “It’s almost a certainty he’s going to start this year”.
No he’s effing not. Not cool bro.
I take Houston’s defense. Followed by Jacquizz in hopes to screw ZR over when he realizes Burner Turner is all burned out. (Ya see what I did there?)
Next I take Lance Moore. Can’t go wrong with a Saint. (Ya see what I did there again?)
Miller follows two picks later with Janikowski. Wait, let me check. Yep, it’s only the 12th round. Who is this guy? Bob Talbot?
Kendall Wright is my next pick.
Toph: “Not gonna lie Bob, I have no idea who Kendall Wright is.”
That’s always a good sign.
Round 14 we see Randy Moss go, followed by Santana Moss. Interesting. Then Sinorice Moss. Just kidding. He’s as cut as Chris Hogan.
ZR’s up next.
ZR: “Gotta take a flyer.” Brandon LaFell. ZR had to take a flyer so much that he dropped him six minutes after the draft for Davone Bess.
I took Luck because there was literally no one left (Although I would later drop him for Kevin Smith after reading AP’s injury report for Week 1). Then I closed with Matt Bryant.
“ZR, I’m about to wrap up this article. Quick! We need more material.”
ZR: “THE KICKER EVERYBODY FORGOT ABOUT!!”
Mr. McGibblets selected Garrett Hartley.
The kicker everybody forgot about? ZR he’s a kicker. No one is impressed.
The guy even found a way to brag about his average kicker. Enjoy the 5-6 extra points he gets a game in the Saints offense ZR.
ZR: “It’s a guarantee. I’m winning it all this year.”
We’ll see about that.
Rob Bironas was Mr. Irrelevant. It’s important to note I drafted Rob Bironas in like the 8th round five years ago. I don’t win a lot.
To close, the gang created a drinking game to the hit show, Bar Rescue. Jon Taffer’s histrionics make for a great time and an easy way to get effed up. If he had known about our game though, he would tell you it was “MORALLY WRONG!!!” to play.
Well that brings this year’s draft diary to a close. I basically just-missed every pick I wanted and settled for guys with the highest likelihood of going down with torn ACLs this year. All-in-all, a great draft.
Thanks for hosting this year MC & Toph. Best of luck to all. May the best team win.
Talbot out.
Hey Mom!!! I’m done with my segment!!!
Images taken from Google Images
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