HE'S DONE IT!

My Fellow Americans,

         I would like to first address my opponent... Christoph, it was a good fight out there on the digital gridiron.  The points fluctuated quite a bit through Sunday and Monday and at no point did i ever think i had it in the books.  Isn't that what we do this for in the end, the rush of getting that fumble on the one yard line by specifically joique bell  or the fumble by mikel leshoure on the 20 to prevent detroit from scoring right up until the last minute of the game when that harm could be done and still allow the kid to win.  Or is it the bears defense, tophs favorite team squeeking out the victory for his opponent.  I mean no disrespect in this victory speech whatsoever, let me get that across.  What a wild game for what would have determined first place.  29 strong points from rodgers, but he struck back with 27 from vincent jackson (way to trade him ed).  from then on it was almost even going into monday night projections.  I gotta say i needed a lot to happen and not happen yesterday and luckily i was albe to have it all happen for me.  For that i wanna thank God, and this great country for allowing me to forge past the competitive edge and process this victory.  Let's be honest the smear campaign worked.  By friday toph , we know you were nervous, not about your team not performing but about josh gordon, frank gore's 18 pnt start to the week , your chicago bears d n aaron rodgers.  I think as soon as we all saw this "Win or Lose, I still have JJ's ultimate" and made 2 last transactions to change his fortune, we knew Toph had been shook, like a half weight crook. I now stand at first place staring down at the Hebrew Hammer as i lead him in points despite our similar records and have BTALBSALLSTARS or what ever new name he'll come up with, i say  Wayne's World - party time, excellent, rising in the midst.  Toph... your still a contender but i think you learned one valuable lesson this week.  You don't under any circumstances rip a team for their starting lineup the first day of the week, cause that lingering thought will strike back with great vengeance.  It is a rule ive battled my whole fantasy career, n im glad to pass it onto you and teach you a thing or two about how to correctly manage not only your team, but your luck.  God bless America, God Bless Mr. Rodgers Hood and God bless monteray jack cheese for being so delicious on crackers. 

Your Catalyst Liason
Manager of Mr. Rodger's Hood.

James J. DeSimone

"Bottle of Red, Bottle of White, It all depends on your appetite"
billy joel

This is how I celebrated my victory over Kim Jung Choi... plan to do the same after taking down THA GERRRRMANNNNNN

Week 6 Vegas Game Picks

Okay, so now that Mike and Toph stripped me of my interim job, I thought I would incorporate something new to keep the site fresh and exciting. I know I’ve got to keep constantly innovating if I want the readers coming back for more. It’s science. Ask Zuckerberg.

As such, I present to you the commissioner’s "Weekly Vegas Game Picks" brought to you by the good folks at Ernst & Young, who were recently back in the market looking for sponsorships (great timing). This segment is also brought to you by Milwaukee’s Best beer. You can’t have a gambling segment not sponsored by Milwaukee’s Best. Lon McEachern and Norm Chad would put us on the morphine drip if we didn’t.

(Please note these lines are subject to change based on your sit/starts, but they locked in at these when I placed my fake bets.)

LeShoure2 CRE8 Drama (-4.5) over Dirty Mike&The Boys

According to the Yahoo! Sports current projections, I’m in for a 7-1 finish to the season, coming in HOT for the playoffs. Amazing that a 29 point loss to Toph made Yahoo so confident in my team, it’s now anticipating I win nine games instead of eight.

Look, the reasons behind this pick are plain and simple. I’m biased as fuck getting back Mikel LeShoure and Denarius Moore. Minnesota has to feel like they owe it to AP to give him a TD after letting Harvin, Rudolph and Walsh (a.k.a Toph’s whole team) score all the points last week. Meanwhile, every TD Roddy scores, Ryan scores for me. Lloyd and Stevie have very tough matchups in the Seahawks defense and Patrick Peterson. And on top of all that, Mike’s battling the issue that the only person in the world who doesn’t think Ray Rice needs more touches is Cam Cameron, his offensive coordinator.

Another interesting tidbit: My fantasy wins in this league have an inverse relationship with the Giants wins and losses. Every week the Giants have lost, I’ve gotten a W to keep my chin up a little bit. Every game they’ve pissed away, my team has won big in fantasy. The fantasy losses can keep coming as far as I’m concerned. But let’s be real. The Giants left the Niners with a bad taste in their mouths last year. They’re going to come out pretty strong. Expect 120 points from me this week and a NYG loss.

LeShoure takes it going away.

SKYS OUT THIGHS OUT (+14.5) over DezB TROLLnSECURITY

If I’ve learned anything from gambling, it’s that you never bet against a QB coming off a concussion, two WRs that wouldn’t crack the starting lineup on 29 of the 32 NFL teams and a running back I’ve literally never heard of in my entire life at the pro or college level. You just never bet against those guys.

Ps. If you said to me this morning, “Bob. William Powell. What does he do?” Arizona Cardinals running back would have been my 142nd guess. Right behind world renown actuary and right before 18th President of the United States.

(Note: After I wrote this, Phil dropped Powell and gave LeGarrette Blount the start. Much like running backs I’ve never heard of at the pro or college level, you never bet against backups averaging less than five touches a game either. I’m sticking to my guns.)

Mr. Rodger’s Hood (+1.5) over Pink Fluffy Apes

Yahoo! is giving me 1.5 points?! If I was still doing the Power Rankings I would have had Edlin 9th and JJ in the top 3. Is there something I’m missing here? Fun fact. My buddy from work needed 5 points from Andre Johnson to win in fantasy this week. He lost by 4. Moral of the story: Andre Johnson is who we (with the exception of Toph for 6-8 years) thought he was – an overrated fantasy player. As is Demarco Murray and CJ Spiller (for three weeks now). Edlin’s girlfriend relies on these guys! Give me the points and give me the upset!

(Note: Edlin and JJ have since made a five player deal. It hasn’t gone through yet, but the line is volatile right now. So volatile. Stay away from this one until the dust settles.)

Mr. McGibblets (+5) over Captain Insano

Taking Zach solely for the reason he’s projected to get 95 points. Well over the 90 point glass ceiling Grant’s team can’t seem to break through. If G Com’s team was a fixed asset addition and my tolerable error was at 90 points, I wouldn’t be performing substantive procedures on them. I’d simply mark them as immaterial. You guys would be laughing at that comment if you were accountants. Trust me. No really, it’s funny stuff. Even without the kicker EVERYBODY FORGOT ABOUT!!! I’m taking McGibblets.

Heisenberg’s Heros (+6.5) over KDUBS ALL STARS

It does bother me that I’m betting on a team starting two Bengals wide receivers and a guy that picked up David Wilson after a game in which he got two carries and the guy ahead of him rushed for 200 yards. But the Law of Millaaa! says were due for him to surprise us again. When in doubt, take the points. Legatron is the difference in this one.

The "Sup boys? Still queer?" Week 6 Power Rankings

 

Not sure what Mikey Cazz Carey has been up to since we unofficially locked ourselves out in the preseason, but I've been busy.  Lots of Lisa Ann Brazzers vids, repeatedly watching ambiguously gay Eric Winston say we are not gladiators and this is not the Coliseum, and plotting tons of awesome comebacks for whatever aspect of our fantasy football league Zach chooses to blow completely out of proportion next.

Pick Up of the Week, Presented by Scott Miller: William Powell (Ryan Williams replacement).  How the fuck is he not on a team yet?  If Ryan Williams could average like 2.1 YPC on the Cards, then IMAGINE what kind of numbers a guy no one has heard of can put up.  If Powell isn't on a team by 12 midnight then I'll blow up a hospital (h/t Dark Knight).

UPDATE: Since I wrote this, Phil picked up William Powell.  Apparently he values hospitals.

Random Thought: Talked trade with JJ for approximately two hours over the last two days and immediately pinpointed those as two of the most unproductive hours of my life.  Can someone please verify whether JJ has ever successfully completed a trade?  He's like Sean Payton sitting in a Superdome suite in a flannel shirt...just bringing nothing to the table.

Without further adieu, let's get down to business:

Week 5 Power Rankings

In a week highlighted by great matchups, I have no time to talk about them. DezB TROLLnSECURITY meets LeShoure2 CRE8 Drama for the first time since their controversial trade, only LeShoure and Denarius are on bye, while Dalton rides Toph's bench and Lance sits out with an injury. Guess its Marshall vs. Wayne in this one. Mr. McGibblets gets a chance to put his money where his (forum) mouth is in a showdown of 3-1 teams vs. Mr. Rodgers Hood. Grant...no wait we're all out of time. Sorry Grant. This is what happens when your normal power rankings guys don't write your power rankings.

Without further adieu, the weekly power rankings, brought to you by the good folks at Ernst & Young:

(Click on the rankings to enlarge the photo)

For those of you not understanding my Kate Upton cat daddy reference, enjoy:

Power Rankings Reaction

ZR def has a better poof, but I'd imagine their reactions were similar.



DRINK!