KIDS BACK...

HE'S DONE IT!

My Fellow Americans,

         I would like to first address my opponent... Christoph, it was a good fight out there on the digital gridiron.  The points fluctuated quite a bit through Sunday and Monday and at no point did i ever think i had it in the books.  Isn't that what we do this for in the end, the rush of getting that fumble on the one yard line by specifically joique bell  or the fumble by mikel leshoure on the 20 to prevent detroit from scoring right up until the last minute of the game when that harm could be done and still allow the kid to win.  Or is it the bears defense, tophs favorite team squeeking out the victory for his opponent.  I mean no disrespect in this victory speech whatsoever, let me get that across.  What a wild game for what would have determined first place.  29 strong points from rodgers, but he struck back with 27 from vincent jackson (way to trade him ed).  from then on it was almost even going into monday night projections.  I gotta say i needed a lot to happen and not happen yesterday and luckily i was albe to have it all happen for me.  For that i wanna thank God, and this great country for allowing me to forge past the competitive edge and process this victory.  Let's be honest the smear campaign worked.  By friday toph , we know you were nervous, not about your team not performing but about josh gordon, frank gore's 18 pnt start to the week , your chicago bears d n aaron rodgers.  I think as soon as we all saw this "Win or Lose, I still have JJ's ultimate" and made 2 last transactions to change his fortune, we knew Toph had been shook, like a half weight crook. I now stand at first place staring down at the Hebrew Hammer as i lead him in points despite our similar records and have BTALBSALLSTARS or what ever new name he'll come up with, i say  Wayne's World - party time, excellent, rising in the midst.  Toph... your still a contender but i think you learned one valuable lesson this week.  You don't under any circumstances rip a team for their starting lineup the first day of the week, cause that lingering thought will strike back with great vengeance.  It is a rule ive battled my whole fantasy career, n im glad to pass it onto you and teach you a thing or two about how to correctly manage not only your team, but your luck.  God bless America, God Bless Mr. Rodgers Hood and God bless monteray jack cheese for being so delicious on crackers. 

Your Catalyst Liason
Manager of Mr. Rodger's Hood.

James J. DeSimone

"Bottle of Red, Bottle of White, It all depends on your appetite"
billy joel

This is how I celebrated my victory over Kim Jung Choi... plan to do the same after taking down THA GERRRRMANNNNNN

Week 6 Vegas Game Picks

Okay, so now that Mike and Toph stripped me of my interim job, I thought I would incorporate something new to keep the site fresh and exciting. I know I’ve got to keep constantly innovating if I want the readers coming back for more. It’s science. Ask Zuckerberg.

As such, I present to you the commissioner’s "Weekly Vegas Game Picks" brought to you by the good folks at Ernst & Young, who were recently back in the market looking for sponsorships (great timing). This segment is also brought to you by Milwaukee’s Best beer. You can’t have a gambling segment not sponsored by Milwaukee’s Best. Lon McEachern and Norm Chad would put us on the morphine drip if we didn’t.

(Please note these lines are subject to change based on your sit/starts, but they locked in at these when I placed my fake bets.)

LeShoure2 CRE8 Drama (-4.5) over Dirty Mike&The Boys

According to the Yahoo! Sports current projections, I’m in for a 7-1 finish to the season, coming in HOT for the playoffs. Amazing that a 29 point loss to Toph made Yahoo so confident in my team, it’s now anticipating I win nine games instead of eight.

Look, the reasons behind this pick are plain and simple. I’m biased as fuck getting back Mikel LeShoure and Denarius Moore. Minnesota has to feel like they owe it to AP to give him a TD after letting Harvin, Rudolph and Walsh (a.k.a Toph’s whole team) score all the points last week. Meanwhile, every TD Roddy scores, Ryan scores for me. Lloyd and Stevie have very tough matchups in the Seahawks defense and Patrick Peterson. And on top of all that, Mike’s battling the issue that the only person in the world who doesn’t think Ray Rice needs more touches is Cam Cameron, his offensive coordinator.

Another interesting tidbit: My fantasy wins in this league have an inverse relationship with the Giants wins and losses. Every week the Giants have lost, I’ve gotten a W to keep my chin up a little bit. Every game they’ve pissed away, my team has won big in fantasy. The fantasy losses can keep coming as far as I’m concerned. But let’s be real. The Giants left the Niners with a bad taste in their mouths last year. They’re going to come out pretty strong. Expect 120 points from me this week and a NYG loss.

LeShoure takes it going away.

SKYS OUT THIGHS OUT (+14.5) over DezB TROLLnSECURITY

If I’ve learned anything from gambling, it’s that you never bet against a QB coming off a concussion, two WRs that wouldn’t crack the starting lineup on 29 of the 32 NFL teams and a running back I’ve literally never heard of in my entire life at the pro or college level. You just never bet against those guys.

Ps. If you said to me this morning, “Bob. William Powell. What does he do?” Arizona Cardinals running back would have been my 142nd guess. Right behind world renown actuary and right before 18th President of the United States.

(Note: After I wrote this, Phil dropped Powell and gave LeGarrette Blount the start. Much like running backs I’ve never heard of at the pro or college level, you never bet against backups averaging less than five touches a game either. I’m sticking to my guns.)

Mr. Rodger’s Hood (+1.5) over Pink Fluffy Apes

Yahoo! is giving me 1.5 points?! If I was still doing the Power Rankings I would have had Edlin 9th and JJ in the top 3. Is there something I’m missing here? Fun fact. My buddy from work needed 5 points from Andre Johnson to win in fantasy this week. He lost by 4. Moral of the story: Andre Johnson is who we (with the exception of Toph for 6-8 years) thought he was – an overrated fantasy player. As is Demarco Murray and CJ Spiller (for three weeks now). Edlin’s girlfriend relies on these guys! Give me the points and give me the upset!

(Note: Edlin and JJ have since made a five player deal. It hasn’t gone through yet, but the line is volatile right now. So volatile. Stay away from this one until the dust settles.)

Mr. McGibblets (+5) over Captain Insano

Taking Zach solely for the reason he’s projected to get 95 points. Well over the 90 point glass ceiling Grant’s team can’t seem to break through. If G Com’s team was a fixed asset addition and my tolerable error was at 90 points, I wouldn’t be performing substantive procedures on them. I’d simply mark them as immaterial. You guys would be laughing at that comment if you were accountants. Trust me. No really, it’s funny stuff. Even without the kicker EVERYBODY FORGOT ABOUT!!! I’m taking McGibblets.

Heisenberg’s Heros (+6.5) over KDUBS ALL STARS

It does bother me that I’m betting on a team starting two Bengals wide receivers and a guy that picked up David Wilson after a game in which he got two carries and the guy ahead of him rushed for 200 yards. But the Law of Millaaa! says were due for him to surprise us again. When in doubt, take the points. Legatron is the difference in this one.

The "Sup boys? Still queer?" Week 6 Power Rankings

 

Not sure what Mikey Cazz Carey has been up to since we unofficially locked ourselves out in the preseason, but I've been busy.  Lots of Lisa Ann Brazzers vids, repeatedly watching ambiguously gay Eric Winston say we are not gladiators and this is not the Coliseum, and plotting tons of awesome comebacks for whatever aspect of our fantasy football league Zach chooses to blow completely out of proportion next.

Pick Up of the Week, Presented by Scott Miller: William Powell (Ryan Williams replacement).  How the fuck is he not on a team yet?  If Ryan Williams could average like 2.1 YPC on the Cards, then IMAGINE what kind of numbers a guy no one has heard of can put up.  If Powell isn't on a team by 12 midnight then I'll blow up a hospital (h/t Dark Knight).

UPDATE: Since I wrote this, Phil picked up William Powell.  Apparently he values hospitals.

Random Thought: Talked trade with JJ for approximately two hours over the last two days and immediately pinpointed those as two of the most unproductive hours of my life.  Can someone please verify whether JJ has ever successfully completed a trade?  He's like Sean Payton sitting in a Superdome suite in a flannel shirt...just bringing nothing to the table.

Without further adieu, let's get down to business:

Week 5 Power Rankings

In a week highlighted by great matchups, I have no time to talk about them. DezB TROLLnSECURITY meets LeShoure2 CRE8 Drama for the first time since their controversial trade, only LeShoure and Denarius are on bye, while Dalton rides Toph's bench and Lance sits out with an injury. Guess its Marshall vs. Wayne in this one. Mr. McGibblets gets a chance to put his money where his (forum) mouth is in a showdown of 3-1 teams vs. Mr. Rodgers Hood. Grant...no wait we're all out of time. Sorry Grant. This is what happens when your normal power rankings guys don't write your power rankings.

Without further adieu, the weekly power rankings, brought to you by the good folks at Ernst & Young:

(Click on the rankings to enlarge the photo)

For those of you not understanding my Kate Upton cat daddy reference, enjoy:

Power Rankings Reaction

ZR def has a better poof, but I'd imagine their reactions were similar.



DRINK!

Week 4 Power Rankings

Very odd week in fantasy for Ricky Watters Fishing Charters. It was a week that saw no 100 point efforts and no double digit victories. Captain Insano walked away with the week’s biggest blowout (9.96 pts), despite the fact he had the sixth best scoring output. The “Joo-Doo” was in play for Mr. McGibblet’s, who won by a mere two points against the only team he could have beaten this week (Chris Sucks Johnson). Chris did suck Johnson for Bob, totally 29 yards on 15 touches. Amazingly, Johnson had 46 yards on 12 touches, before losing 17 yards on his last three rushing attempts. The man is redefining how bad a person can be at running back.

In other news, despite starting RB David Wilson (0.64 points), Heisenberg’s Heros was still able to land its first victory. An early exit from C.J. Spiller paved the way for Scott to make a move against Edlin’s formidable squad.

DezB TROLLnSECURITY and Chris Sucks Johnson were the first to stir up controversy in the forums with their surprising trade. However, the biggest surprise of the week, was that Miller has yet to pick up Golden Tate after his 1½ TD performance Monday night.

Here’s how all of this shakes up the rankings, presented as always (and by that I mean until Mike and Toph resume their roles) by Ernst & Young.

(Click on the photo to enlarge the rankings)

(Click on the photo to enlarge the rankings)

YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!

As we all know, fantasy football is a game based on the success of others, but in this league it seems as if there's been a shift in that the success of our teams has translated into the ability to bend the rules.  Rules are a funny thing, we all hate them, yet we all like to make them freely.  They are a constant reminder of how difficult it must have been for the founding fathers to run a country full of hooligans.  The Bill of Rights was formed though, a legendary document which despite the basic understandings had its own "loopholes" or "alternate meanings".  In time it has caused plenty of stirs amongst the people of this great nation.  You ask, how does this relate to fantasy football?  Well if you have tuned in to the past 4 days of posting on the leagues message board you would see that a battle has ensued based on the principles of the rules put in place this year, which we can clearly say was ALL MY FAULT.  For one, i apologize, initially i was simply looking out for the league and honestly doing everything i could to 1, argue a trade i didn't think was fair on paper , 2, make sure Edlin wouldn't win the league (sorry bro just he way it is when your the rookie n you don't draft your team), and 3 prevent a SUPERCONTENDER within the leagues field.  In the end, i lost, in some ways you could say I  was voted off the island n my opinion exiled.  Now the establishment of Rule 14.6, section 25 "THE DESIMONE TREATY" has caused more of a stir than imaginable.  One side argues based on the basics of the rule and that opinions should be subjective regarding the trade.  The other side argues the substance of the rule debating that is not fair on paper and exercises his rights , which hes free to do, to prevent a the troll n security board from STACKING as its said.   The rule was put in place for many reasons, and the conflict arises because it includes the commish.  Robert Talbot took on the responsibilities as commish ever since our previous commish the well loved Steven Kielt left, suit and all.  Since then Bob has done his best to create the fairest policies only to now hit a roadblock that has tarnished his reputation like Roger Goodell with the replacement refs.  The problem doesn't lie within his ruling though, which i think is the misconception here, Bob is a fantasy manager that has always managed his team based on risk, and due to that in the past he has put forth trades that may not benefit him specifically, but in the end could end up benefiting his team greatly.  Isnt this why we do this?, to risk it all, put it all on the line to make it rain dollar bills in the end and talk the most intense shit to our friends? In some cases yes,  despite that we all see where zach comes from with his argument based on the fact that Leshoure is a risk, but is he worth a top WR whos underperforming and a medium skilled receiver whose overperforming? Another factor that jumps into this is the Dalton section of the trade by which is not necessarily needd in the trade.  It seems as if it would make more sense to simply cut the trade down to avoid criticism.  Well, too late now, the trade is processed without a true vote, in some cases you could say against the rules put in place, and settled with no final conclusion.  So, similar to the packers/seahawks joke of a game that could affect playoff implications, what is to say about this trade gone wild.  I guess there's only one thing to say, the truth, in the last two years the commish has processed two trades that despite harsh criticism have went through no matter what argument has been made.  Not to single the commish out, it has been the same for everyone else.  In the end all we can decide is that in the future of trades in this league there can be no overturning despite the psychotic, corrupt, bullshit, horseplay that the trade might display cause in the final hour, it will just be processed anyways.  The picture to best depict this would simply be me building a wall to later see it knocked down by those who funded it.  You can argue, you can bitch and complain, but the truth is simple as a maryland crabcake, just eat it when its served cause otherwise its just a waste.  Gentleman, thats just what Maryland does, and thats what we should do.  This goes against my will and everything ive fought for but if two parties agree its the only way to solve this predicament.  From now on there shall be no debate, and the only ridiculing that should go on is the harsh criticism of the idiot that hit the accept button when he shouldve hit the reject button, after all, past the luck of it, skill and knowledge is the next best thing. 

Your Catalyst Liaison and External Commissioner of Desman FFL

James Joseph DeSimone, signing off (on the truth)

YOU KEEP IT REAL RICKY WATTERS, WE KNOW YOU WILL

CHECK THE LEAGUE BYLAWS!

Week 3 Power Rankings

Okay, so as Commisioner, I can't let this go on any longer. I have to step in. Toph and Mike are about a week away from being fired from this role. The people have spoken. They want the power rankings. Give the people what they want! You think John Clayton ever takes a week off from the rankings because he's got jury duty? Hell no. Does Mike Sando pass on the rankings cause he's too busy at work? You better believe he doesn't. This has to stop guys. The people need their power rankings! As such, I'm going to step in and take the celebrity shot for these guys.

I hope this lights a fire under their asses, because this can't go on any longer. Hell, they can put together a rankings tomorrow morning and I'll let it supersede these for all I care. I just can't stand around and let this page be blank for another week. I'm pretty sure they skipped last week, because my team was the sure candidate for the #1 spot. I get it (Haters gon' hate). But what's their excuse this week?

Without further adieu, I present the Week 3 Power Rankings, brought to you by Ernst & Young, who's motto: "Quality in Everything We Do" includes power rankings.

Click on the photo to enlarge the rankings.

Click on the photo to enlarge the rankings.

Until next week...

Fantasy Draft Diaries (Version 3.0)...

Well folks, after a year of retirement, I decided it wasn’t time to hang up the cleats (or in this case, the laptop) just yet. You don’t realize how much you miss the game until it’s gone. What better way to kick off my writing return and this new fantasy website than with a draft diary? That’s right men, its draft season! Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife. Call up Mel Kiper, Jr. And let’s get down to business. Napolean Kaufman’s Bible Study is officially closed until further notice, so it’s time to introduce you to “Ricky Watters Fishing Charters”. I chose this name, recommended by the creative genius himself, Mike Casazza, for many reasons. For one, when I asked the other nine guys what they wanted the league name to be, I learned what it felt like to be ignored by nine guys. It was at that very moment I knew how important this decision was to them. So I went back to the list of recommendations (all three of them), dug deep into my creative juices (realizing they had run dry), and then I knew. There was never really any question what 90s mid-to-below average running back we should honor. It was Ricky. The man that made the $93 investment of my life savings on Game Gear at the age of 7 well worth it, with his other-worldly performances in Madden 95 for me.

Who needs HD with graphics like these?

Three years later, Ricky would put on the single greatest rushing performance in video game history never told. It was at that time I rented NFL Quarterback Club 98 from Video Den (possibly West Coast Video – regardless, both stores that are thriving in the Netflix age). It was in this 3-day period (not trying to get late fees on a $3 weekly allowance) I rushed for over 1000 yards in one game with Ricky Watters on the Seahawks. Let me stop you for a second. I think what you may have heard me say was, “I rushed for over 1000 yards in a season with Ricky Watters on the Seahawks”. When I actually said, “I rushed for 1000 yards in a GAME with Ricky Watters”. Four minute quarters. Averaging over 90 yards a carry. I took every kickoff and punt return to my own 1-yard line and ran out of bounds. Then I handed it to Ricky, ran straight to the sideline and straight up the sideline every time. And he scored…every fucking time. Somehow, winning the game 119-0 was fun for me. But I digress. I think what I’m trying to say is, Ricky Watters was my favorite running back of the mid-90s. And in my eyes, he’s 100 times better than his mediocre stats lead the common man to believe. He’ll always have that 1000 yard game in NFL Quarterback Club 98. You can’t take that away from him. He’s the perfect choice to represent our league.

So before we get into the draft I already feel uneasy about, let’s reintroduce you to the most competitive, cut-throat, $50 buy-in league this side of the Mason Dixon. Let’s meet the contenders:

Pick #1: Mr. Rodger's Hood 
(James “Smooth Jotaman” DeSimone) 
J boasts the league record for last place finishes. He’s also the all-time leader in first overall selections. J has had the first pick three years in a row! He’s an IT guy, so I’m pretty sure he’s hacked the Yahoo! Randomizer. I’m afraid that’s only speculation though. He used his last two #1 selections on Adrian Peterson. Third time is the charm J. Speaking of third, that’s what place J came in last year. An accomplishment that shocked all, including J himself. I think J’s finally got the grasp of fantasy. I don’t expect him to be at the bottom of the leaderboard any time soon. But I do expect him to rip me a new one on the forums if I try to make any blockbuster deals with Edlin.

Pick #2: Dirty Mike & The Boyz 
(MC)
Mike’s team will have sex in your Prius, and that’s non-negotiable. But aside from the dirty business, Mike’s team will do a lot of other things. I’ve compiled a list:
1) As I’ve told you before, they’ll historically bore you to death
2) More recently, they’ll usually fill the injury report (lot of red “O”s and “IR”s next to his players)
3) On paper, they’ll look a lot like the Washington Redskins. In fact they are usually the Washington Redskins (not if PL has anything to say about it this year)
4) They’ll have a quality, well-constructed, creative team name (and I’m not just saying that cause I recommended this one)
MC also prepares better than anyone in the game. Mel Kiper calls Mike for fantasy draft strategies. No one has seen more mocks than this guy. He needs to know if he can wait til the 14th round to snag Crabtree or Amendola. And he needs to be within two standard deviations sure he can do this. Only way to ensure that? He's got to mock like there’s no tomorrow.

Pick #3: Pink Fluffy Apes 
(Edlin)
Smh. For those of you that don’t know Twitter lingo, that means I’m still “shaking my head” about Edlin’s performance last year. I brought Edlin into the league for 50 free bucks a year ago. Edlin won the league. I paid him $400. Safe to say that plan backfired. Pressing send on PayPal was painful. It still hurts to think about. The guy had a girl draft his team last year. A girl that wouldn’t even tell us her “a/s/l?” when six of us simultaneously messaged the request to her in last year’s draft. That’s not a girl I want drafting in my league. To make matters worse, I traded Edlin the final pieces he needed to win a championship. After I spent a week vehemently arguing with JJ as to why Edlin was getting the better deal in the trade. Yeah, cause that makes sense. I wouldn’t condone starting arguments with J. Anyways, I must admit there was one great thing that came out of the Edlin signing. For the first time since Steve left, we were finally able to find a 10th guy that came back to play the next year. So for that, I commend you Edlin. But seriously, if you win the league again I’m kicking you out. I’d rather have a Bye Week than you as a 3-time champion.

Pick #4: KDUBS ALL STARS 
(K Dub) 
I actually thought K Dub quit the league when I saw the first episode of Hard Knocks and noticed him taking snaps as a rookie tight end.

But K Dub made it clear league rules didn’t prevent him from participating, so the 1-time champ is sticking around. K Dub is sporting the league’s best team name for the 9th consecutive year. I’m also fairly confident this is the 9th consecutive year he’s had the 4th pick and almost certain he’ll take a QB for the 9th consecutive time in this spot as well. One thing that’s definitely certain: If he drafts Michael Egnew as his tight end, I may lose it.

Pick #5: Heisenberg’s Heros
(Millaaaa)
Scott was the MVP of the draft this year. Not only did he put on an Academy Award winning performance in the pre-draft video, he also took care of everyone's drinks for the night. I could get used to Scott being a professional golfer. Play on Scott. Play on. In one of my favorite scenes of the movie, Scott revealed his picking strategy - taking a four iron to a cardboard box of player names. Normally I'd say this was foolish, but it left Scott seeking Stafford, McFadden, Fitzgerald and Jones. Maybe there's a method to his madness after all. If he snags those guys, I think Scott's an early favorite to take down the league. At least if he wins, we'll know he'd be game to spend his winnings on a night out at the club for all of us. Dez Bryant will have to ask the Cowboys for permission to attend. Speaking of Dez...

Pick #6: DezB TROLLnSECURITY 
(Toph) 
Toph, known for years as a league bottom dweller, finally put together a notable season last year. In fact, it was the greatest season in league history: 13-2. But much like the 18-1 Patriots’ season of ‘08, it was a year that will only leave Toph with disappointment and the thought of what could have been. In my expert opinion, Toph wins that game 9, nah probably only 8 times outta 10 (only championship teams can win the big one 9 times outta 10 (like the Giants)). And last December, Edlin caught Toph on one of those two off days. So the question is. How will Toph respond? Will he show his resiliency? Come back with unfinished business and a chip on his shoulder? Or will he revert back to his old ways of picking “his guys” and fall back to the all too familiar league cellar? 

Pick #7: 2K All Day & Moore 
(BT – The Commish) 
Last year was a fantasy year I’d like to forget. It all went downhill when I made the decision to follow Matthew Berry’s advice and draft Michael Vick. I also guessed wrong with Felix Jones – very wrong – and broke my Cardinal rule of fantasy drafting: “Never take a Jet. Even if the #9 ranked player falls all the way to you in Round 6”. There’s a reason Shonn Greene was still available. The guy blows. Anyways, I’ve put my arguments with JJ, poor trade decisions and terrible draft choices behind me. Everyone has a bad year. There’s a reason we’ve never had a repeat champion. Everyone was gunning for me the whole time. And yet I still finished in 4th place, scoring more points than either championship participant in Week 16. I think it’s safe to say I’m well on my way to a Hall of Fame career. But I refuse to be satisfied. Three titles aren’t going to be enough. I’m coming for more.

Pick #8: Mr. McGibblets 
(ZR, Zermanatrix, Zerm Germ, Ruby Tuesday, The Red Rubin, Movie Maven, Poof, etc.)
ZR is a 1-time champ, he’s beloved in the forums and he’s already guaranteed victory this year. Championship or not, he’ll still provide much needed entertainment value in the forums. Spoiler Alert: Despite the unnecessary excitement over his first round pick of Rashard Mendenhall last year, ZR chose not to take him with his first pick this year. I guess ZR’s hoping for more production than 320 yds and 2 TDs out of his top pick.

Pick #9: Captain Insano 
(G Com) 
I’ve always said G Com was the most intimidating opponent in fantasy year-in and year-out. Well, after 8 losing seasons, I’m ready to declare G Com’s fantasy teams unintimidating. Some thought a late acquisition of Aaron Rodgers would put G Com in line for a ship last year. However, that didn’t prove to be the case. A weekly hard on was the only thing G Com walked away with from the Rodgers deal. Better luck this year buddy.

Pick #10: SKYS OUT THIGHS OUT 
(Phil) 
It seems Phil has been studying draft strategies of the past to get a leg up on the competition. Or a thigh up if you’ve seen his new chubbies. He saw MC’s two titles and seems to have given MC’s approach of taking the all-Redskin team a shot, grabbing RG III and Fred Davis consecutively on a 7th and 8th round snake. While many others felt he panicked, I noticed MC shed the tear of a proud father when he saw PL’s seventh and eighth picks on the board. I’d like to say this was a bad move, but it’s literally worked for MC two times already. I’m starting to think it’s a viable draft strategy. PL’s team is now on my radar.

Now that we’ve got a good feel for the teams, let’s get to the draft. Pick #7 this year, which was surprisingly my second choice behind Pick #3, so I can’t be mad about it. No jerseys this year. Can’t bear to wear my Plax or Vick jersey and my Mark Brunell Jags jersey just doesn’t fit over my chiseled arms any more or my ever-growing beer belly. Ps. My next jersey purchase is going to be Kenny Phillips. Kenny, expect to be in jail in the next 3-4 months. I’m sorry man. I couldn’t do that to Pierre-Paul. You gotta understand.

Now before the draft starts JJ and Miller would like to show a short video they put together for the league this year:

Just kidding. J requested the video not be released for the public eye. Pretty sure anyone outside this league would have no idea what the eff was going on if they watched it. If you're reading this, you've already seen the video and know it can only be describe in one word:

Awesome.

Now that the video talk is over with and everybody’s got their internet connection, let’s get this baby started.

Oh, shit. J got so caught up in showing his video he didn’t realize he wasn’t connected to the internet anymore. Not his smoothest moment.

We all calmly say it’s no problem, because he’ll have a minute and 30 seconds to sign in and make his pick.

(Two seconds later…)

Its my time… selected Arian Foster.

Ooohhh, righhtttt. It autodrafts after 5 seconds when you’re not signed in.

Six seconds in and we need to redraft? What is this people? It’s been nine years. This draft is supposed to run like a well-oiled machine. Who’s the commissioner of this thing anyways? And why doesn’t he know he can pause the draft for up to 15 minutes? Really dropped the ball on that one.

The draft continues to go on as we’re unsure what to do.

Everyone let’s their pick wind down to the last second (except Edlin) and we debate where to go from here.

In a matter of minutes, Edlin drafts JJ’s pick, K Dub settles for McCoy when he wants Foster, Miller picks up Brady when Edlin would’ve taken him and everyone else is unsure of whether or not to reveal their ideal picks in their respective position. This is a disaster.

A minute later, Toph grabs McFadden before me. Now I really want to start over. McFadden was my guy. It’s CJ2K or CJ1.6K (Calvin - but do I really want to go down that road again?). I can’t really even think with the chaos that ensued in the first 6 picks, but I finally settle on Chris Johnson. Bounce back year CJ. We need it!

Now I discover that I can pause the draft after all. “Shit.” We spend the next few minutes debating our options. We do an offline redo of the first five picks and determine Ed will trade Rodgers to JJ, JJ will send Foster to Scott and Scott will send Brady to Edlin. Done.

Game on!

Wait...there’s still 30 seconds left in my timeout. Gotta wait for the TV guy with the orange gloves to step off the field.

(Waiting….)

And we’re good.

My game plan going in was to go RB-RB to start. But MJD’s holdout still scares me, Mathews collarbone is too brittle for my taste and Marshawn Lynch is too much of a wildcard. I’d rather wait for Fred Jackson. After contemplating Killa Cam, MJD and Jimmy Graham, I settle on Graham. Kind of want that one back. At least I can still get Fred Jackson though.

Until, naturally, Scott takes him two picks before me. I should have known Scott would reach for one of his players from last year. Does it every time. Even asked if Sidney Rice was still in the NFL. I’d understand the approach if his teams were coming off championships, but they’re always coming off losing seasons.

So who am I supposed to take? Peterson? Richardson? Bradshaw? Martin? Not the guys I had in mind. This is why I was supposed to go RB-RB to start. I settle on AP, well aware he’s going to re-tear his ACL on the first series in Week 1. (Gulp.)

I then take the time to mention to the guys that traded their first pick after the internet connection debacle that they should be drafting as if they have the guy they traded for already. So for example, since Scott was giving Brady to Edlin and getting Foster, he should make his next picks as if he already had one running back.

Miller: “Oh fuck, I haven’t been doing that”.

I look at Miller’s team. Brady, MJD, Fred Jackson. In reality, it’s Foster, MJD, Fred Jackson. 

Toph: “How the fuck do you not know that?”

I realize now it was Miller’s mistake that cost me Fred Jackson. He would have taken a QB or WR in his place and I would have gotten Fred two picks later, since Toph already had two RBs. We thought we corrected the error, but in reality, everything was pretty much fucked the moment JJ lost his connection. As ZR would say, “This changed the whole complexion of the draft!”

An asterisk is going next to the champ this year. Unless AP does awesome and I win the title.

As the picks roll back around, its WR time. G Com keeps urging Phil to draft Marshall so he can maximize his NFC North receiving crew (after just taking Jennings). I too egg him on to go NFC North all the way and say he should take Titus Young in the fifth. In reality, I’m hoping this pushes Phil away from Marshall, because I secretly want him. My strategy works. Phil takes Welker.

At the same time Toph keeps clamoring about “his guys”, saying he’s got four of them and he might be able to get them all – much to his surprise. This leads me to believe the Toph of old is back. Settling for “his guys” never worked in the past. And the fact that he thought he’d get maybe one or two of them and it’s looking like he’s getting all four, means no one thinks “his guys” are anything special. Turns out his guys were McFadden, Mathews, Marshall and Cam. He got three of them. I wanted McFadden and then returned the favor in the fourth taking Marshall the pick before him. Man loves his Bears, but he’s going to be simultaneously cheering for my fantasy team when B Marsh puts up 1300 yards and 12 TDs this year.

Toph settles for Percy Harvin. A solid producer for his team late in the season last year, and the object of Matthew Berry’s affection this year.

In the fifth round I decide to reach and go for Dez Bryant right now. Only Toph snatches him a pick before me. If this keeps up, I don’t know what my team is going to look like. I decide its quarterback time. Earlier than I wanted, but the list is starting to run dry. I go with Matt Ryan. This is supposed to be his breakout season. He’s got the weapons. Show me what you got Matty.

It should also be noted that our league, notorious for taking seven QBs in the first round, had only taken five in the first three rounds. This is a groundbreaking achievement for our league. I was legit shocked.

K Dub waited on a QB until round five. I asked him if he was feeling alright.

In round 6 I take Desean Jackson, because I’ve been informed he’s catching everything in practice this year (now that he’s trying and all). I hate Desean Jackson.

At this point ZR asks the crowd who the heck Heisenberg’s Heros is anyways? Well ZR, its Scott, the guy that’s been sitting next to you for the last 45 minutes. Where has this kid been?

According to MC, he’s been too distracted detailing everyone in on why his picks are so great and taking the time to explain to G Com why he doesn’t think any of his picks are good.

I want Reggie Wayne next. Toph takes him. Seriously dude, wtf??

I take BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Still rooting for the day BenJarvus’ son marries Dominic Rodgers-Cromartie’s daughter, so their son can be BenJarvus Green-Ellis-Rodgers-Cromartie, III.

Oh and I hope he scores 12 TDs this year. He did it in an offense that ran the ball like 15 times in a season the last two years. That should mean good things for me, right? Hopefully.

It’s Phil’s turn to close out Round 7. But he’s panicking. I can tell because he has a panicked look on his face and he turns to me and says, “I have no idea who to take with these two picks.” Phil lets the clock run down to one second and takes Robert Griffin III. Yep, he pani…

SKYS OUT THIGHS OUT selected Fred Davis.

Did Phil just take back-to-back Redskins on a snake?

Phil’s facial expression said it all after those picks. Just in case we weren’t sure, Phil mumbles, “I fucked up there.”

In the eighth, I take Kenny Britt.

Toph: “Well Bob, you returned the favor.”

Finally, a taste of his own medicine.

Missed out on Blackmon in the ninth so I took Little. Forecasted I should probably take Toby in the 11th or 12th. ZR then promptly takes him in the early 10th. You kidding me ZR? What the eff do you need Toby for?

ZR: “It’s almost a certainty he’s going to start this year”.

No he’s effing not. Not cool bro.

I take Houston’s defense. Followed by Jacquizz in hopes to screw ZR over when he realizes Burner Turner is all burned out. (Ya see what I did there?)

Next I take Lance Moore. Can’t go wrong with a Saint. (Ya see what I did there again?)

Miller follows two picks later with Janikowski. Wait, let me check. Yep, it’s only the 12th round. Who is this guy? Bob Talbot?

Kendall Wright is my next pick.

Toph: “Not gonna lie Bob, I have no idea who Kendall Wright is.” 

That’s always a good sign.

Round 14 we see Randy Moss go, followed by Santana Moss. Interesting. Then Sinorice Moss. Just kidding. He’s as cut as Chris Hogan.

ZR’s up next.

ZR: “Gotta take a flyer.” Brandon LaFell. ZR had to take a flyer so much that he dropped him six minutes after the draft for Davone Bess.

I took Luck because there was literally no one left (Although I would later drop him for Kevin Smith after reading AP’s injury report for Week 1). Then I closed with Matt Bryant.

“ZR, I’m about to wrap up this article. Quick! We need more material.”

ZR: “THE KICKER EVERYBODY FORGOT ABOUT!!”

Mr. McGibblets selected Garrett Hartley.

The kicker everybody forgot about? ZR he’s a kicker. No one is impressed.

The guy even found a way to brag about his average kicker. Enjoy the 5-6 extra points he gets a game in the Saints offense ZR.

ZR: “It’s a guarantee. I’m winning it all this year.”

We’ll see about that.

Rob Bironas was Mr. Irrelevant. It’s important to note I drafted Rob Bironas in like the 8th round five years ago. I don’t win a lot.

To close, the gang created a drinking game to the hit show, Bar Rescue. Jon Taffer’s histrionics make for a great time and an easy way to get effed up. If he had known about our game though, he would tell you it was “MORALLY WRONG!!!” to play.

Well that brings this year’s draft diary to a close. I basically just-missed every pick I wanted and settled for guys with the highest likelihood of going down with torn ACLs this year. All-in-all, a great draft.

Thanks for hosting this year MC & Toph. Best of luck to all. May the best team win.

Talbot out.

Hey Mom!!! I’m done with my segment!!!

Images taken from Google Images

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