SBP Goin to da 'Ship

My "other league"

Semi Finals!

Bob, you gotta update the first rounders on this blog.

Kap'n Clutch & OJ

2013 Championship Preview

It is that amazing time of year folks: Hanukkah is over so all the little Jewish kids are back to their self loathing drudgery, everyone else is reaching the climax of Christmas anticipation, and another Fantasy Football season is coming a close. The cream has risen to the top and the bad apples spoiled the rest of the bunch.  Two teams stand above mountain of corpses that used to be Natrone Means' Business Outing: The King of QUEEN!S and Heisenberg's Heros (sp). Everyone will sleep soundly knowing that they will not be bombarded by trade inquiries the next day by JJ and that Zach's team layed a stinker in the Playoffs. Toph's Chicago Goon Squad put up a whopping 170 points in the first round of the playoffs, but in his matchup with the #1 side his team came back to earth while till putting up a respectable 113 points, not enough to upset the top dawg. Dont forget to watch Sunday Brunch Phil but an absolute HURTIN on in the consulation bracket.

The King of QUEEN!S dominated the regular season locking up the number one seed weeks ago, featuring a 9 game winstreak snapped by none other then your boy Sunday Brunch Phil. The WR heavy squad has come through in the playoffs proving that no one needs RBs when you have Tony Romo's kicker in the month of December. Mr. Camarato also wins the title of having mysterious punctuation in the middle of his team name... hey, if it aint broke dont fix it.  WAR EAGLE

Heisenberg's Heros danced into the championship on the back of Fantasy Hero Jamaal Charles and his legendary 5 touchdown performance. Mr. Miller's team currently features 4 quarterbacks: Matt Ryan, Andy Dalton, Alex Smith, and Ryan Tannehill,  too bad he played the only one who scored than 20 points this week. Time to lay off the bay breezes down at the Hurricane Club in West Palm Scotty if you wanna take home the trophy this year. The Heros also win the award for caring more about punctuation than spelling in their team name.

Good Luck to the Competitors... winner gets a 2 day supply of EatTribal meals supplied by the Big Hairy Mammoths and discounted shares of both Arian Foster and Vernon Davis in IPO version 2.0 using the promo code: INJURYTUESDAY thanks to Natrix

PS - no mammoths were injured in the making of the Tribal Meals

PPS - I ran this blog through anonymous proxy server mirrors routed through Iran and Pakistan so the Ess-Ee-Sea cant get us for insider trading ;)

PPPS - Gonna throw make these pics into some whacka flocka fire flames tshirts and sell em on Barstool for $45  + free shipping. Hit me up on my cellie if you wanna get in on this deal of the century.

Fantex on Day 1 of Arians IPO

Picture me Rollin

Choo-Chooooo, Casazza victory train coming thru.

.23 MARGIN OF VICTORY?

IT'S ALLLLL COMING UP CASAZZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WANTED... alive!

Zerman heres to you,

how much you guys shell out to davey pageviews and the rest of barstool for the shameless ads they called "blogs"?

http://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/super-page/company-called-fantex-now-lets-you-buy-stock-in-arian-foster-and-other-professional-athletes/

http://www.barstoolsports.com/nyc/super-page/company-allowing-you-to-buy-stock-in-athletes/

Saw this about the old boss man... you hang that bad boy?

http://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/super-page/of-coure-vince-mcmahon-has-a-dinosaur-skull-on-his-wall-of-course/

and I found this while looking for slave trade pics... so fitting and now everything makes so much more sense!

http://incogman.net/2010/09/the-shocking-jewish-role-in-slavery/

EL OH EL City, Population: Me!

Seasons starts off with a Week 2 trade, unheard of for this league!

KIDS BACK...

HE'S DONE IT!

My Fellow Americans,

         I would like to first address my opponent... Christoph, it was a good fight out there on the digital gridiron.  The points fluctuated quite a bit through Sunday and Monday and at no point did i ever think i had it in the books.  Isn't that what we do this for in the end, the rush of getting that fumble on the one yard line by specifically joique bell  or the fumble by mikel leshoure on the 20 to prevent detroit from scoring right up until the last minute of the game when that harm could be done and still allow the kid to win.  Or is it the bears defense, tophs favorite team squeeking out the victory for his opponent.  I mean no disrespect in this victory speech whatsoever, let me get that across.  What a wild game for what would have determined first place.  29 strong points from rodgers, but he struck back with 27 from vincent jackson (way to trade him ed).  from then on it was almost even going into monday night projections.  I gotta say i needed a lot to happen and not happen yesterday and luckily i was albe to have it all happen for me.  For that i wanna thank God, and this great country for allowing me to forge past the competitive edge and process this victory.  Let's be honest the smear campaign worked.  By friday toph , we know you were nervous, not about your team not performing but about josh gordon, frank gore's 18 pnt start to the week , your chicago bears d n aaron rodgers.  I think as soon as we all saw this "Win or Lose, I still have JJ's ultimate" and made 2 last transactions to change his fortune, we knew Toph had been shook, like a half weight crook. I now stand at first place staring down at the Hebrew Hammer as i lead him in points despite our similar records and have BTALBSALLSTARS or what ever new name he'll come up with, i say  Wayne's World - party time, excellent, rising in the midst.  Toph... your still a contender but i think you learned one valuable lesson this week.  You don't under any circumstances rip a team for their starting lineup the first day of the week, cause that lingering thought will strike back with great vengeance.  It is a rule ive battled my whole fantasy career, n im glad to pass it onto you and teach you a thing or two about how to correctly manage not only your team, but your luck.  God bless America, God Bless Mr. Rodgers Hood and God bless monteray jack cheese for being so delicious on crackers. 

Your Catalyst Liason
Manager of Mr. Rodger's Hood.

James J. DeSimone

"Bottle of Red, Bottle of White, It all depends on your appetite"
billy joel

This is how I celebrated my victory over Kim Jung Choi... plan to do the same after taking down THA GERRRRMANNNNNN

Week 6 Vegas Game Picks

Okay, so now that Mike and Toph stripped me of my interim job, I thought I would incorporate something new to keep the site fresh and exciting. I know I’ve got to keep constantly innovating if I want the readers coming back for more. It’s science. Ask Zuckerberg.

As such, I present to you the commissioner’s "Weekly Vegas Game Picks" brought to you by the good folks at Ernst & Young, who were recently back in the market looking for sponsorships (great timing). This segment is also brought to you by Milwaukee’s Best beer. You can’t have a gambling segment not sponsored by Milwaukee’s Best. Lon McEachern and Norm Chad would put us on the morphine drip if we didn’t.

(Please note these lines are subject to change based on your sit/starts, but they locked in at these when I placed my fake bets.)

LeShoure2 CRE8 Drama (-4.5) over Dirty Mike&The Boys

According to the Yahoo! Sports current projections, I’m in for a 7-1 finish to the season, coming in HOT for the playoffs. Amazing that a 29 point loss to Toph made Yahoo so confident in my team, it’s now anticipating I win nine games instead of eight.

Look, the reasons behind this pick are plain and simple. I’m biased as fuck getting back Mikel LeShoure and Denarius Moore. Minnesota has to feel like they owe it to AP to give him a TD after letting Harvin, Rudolph and Walsh (a.k.a Toph’s whole team) score all the points last week. Meanwhile, every TD Roddy scores, Ryan scores for me. Lloyd and Stevie have very tough matchups in the Seahawks defense and Patrick Peterson. And on top of all that, Mike’s battling the issue that the only person in the world who doesn’t think Ray Rice needs more touches is Cam Cameron, his offensive coordinator.

Another interesting tidbit: My fantasy wins in this league have an inverse relationship with the Giants wins and losses. Every week the Giants have lost, I’ve gotten a W to keep my chin up a little bit. Every game they’ve pissed away, my team has won big in fantasy. The fantasy losses can keep coming as far as I’m concerned. But let’s be real. The Giants left the Niners with a bad taste in their mouths last year. They’re going to come out pretty strong. Expect 120 points from me this week and a NYG loss.

LeShoure takes it going away.

SKYS OUT THIGHS OUT (+14.5) over DezB TROLLnSECURITY

If I’ve learned anything from gambling, it’s that you never bet against a QB coming off a concussion, two WRs that wouldn’t crack the starting lineup on 29 of the 32 NFL teams and a running back I’ve literally never heard of in my entire life at the pro or college level. You just never bet against those guys.

Ps. If you said to me this morning, “Bob. William Powell. What does he do?” Arizona Cardinals running back would have been my 142nd guess. Right behind world renown actuary and right before 18th President of the United States.

(Note: After I wrote this, Phil dropped Powell and gave LeGarrette Blount the start. Much like running backs I’ve never heard of at the pro or college level, you never bet against backups averaging less than five touches a game either. I’m sticking to my guns.)

Mr. Rodger’s Hood (+1.5) over Pink Fluffy Apes

Yahoo! is giving me 1.5 points?! If I was still doing the Power Rankings I would have had Edlin 9th and JJ in the top 3. Is there something I’m missing here? Fun fact. My buddy from work needed 5 points from Andre Johnson to win in fantasy this week. He lost by 4. Moral of the story: Andre Johnson is who we (with the exception of Toph for 6-8 years) thought he was – an overrated fantasy player. As is Demarco Murray and CJ Spiller (for three weeks now). Edlin’s girlfriend relies on these guys! Give me the points and give me the upset!

(Note: Edlin and JJ have since made a five player deal. It hasn’t gone through yet, but the line is volatile right now. So volatile. Stay away from this one until the dust settles.)

Mr. McGibblets (+5) over Captain Insano

Taking Zach solely for the reason he’s projected to get 95 points. Well over the 90 point glass ceiling Grant’s team can’t seem to break through. If G Com’s team was a fixed asset addition and my tolerable error was at 90 points, I wouldn’t be performing substantive procedures on them. I’d simply mark them as immaterial. You guys would be laughing at that comment if you were accountants. Trust me. No really, it’s funny stuff. Even without the kicker EVERYBODY FORGOT ABOUT!!! I’m taking McGibblets.

Heisenberg’s Heros (+6.5) over KDUBS ALL STARS

It does bother me that I’m betting on a team starting two Bengals wide receivers and a guy that picked up David Wilson after a game in which he got two carries and the guy ahead of him rushed for 200 yards. But the Law of Millaaa! says were due for him to surprise us again. When in doubt, take the points. Legatron is the difference in this one.

The "Sup boys? Still queer?" Week 6 Power Rankings

 

Not sure what Mikey Cazz Carey has been up to since we unofficially locked ourselves out in the preseason, but I've been busy.  Lots of Lisa Ann Brazzers vids, repeatedly watching ambiguously gay Eric Winston say we are not gladiators and this is not the Coliseum, and plotting tons of awesome comebacks for whatever aspect of our fantasy football league Zach chooses to blow completely out of proportion next.

Pick Up of the Week, Presented by Scott Miller: William Powell (Ryan Williams replacement).  How the fuck is he not on a team yet?  If Ryan Williams could average like 2.1 YPC on the Cards, then IMAGINE what kind of numbers a guy no one has heard of can put up.  If Powell isn't on a team by 12 midnight then I'll blow up a hospital (h/t Dark Knight).

UPDATE: Since I wrote this, Phil picked up William Powell.  Apparently he values hospitals.

Random Thought: Talked trade with JJ for approximately two hours over the last two days and immediately pinpointed those as two of the most unproductive hours of my life.  Can someone please verify whether JJ has ever successfully completed a trade?  He's like Sean Payton sitting in a Superdome suite in a flannel shirt...just bringing nothing to the table.

Without further adieu, let's get down to business:

Week 5 Power Rankings

In a week highlighted by great matchups, I have no time to talk about them. DezB TROLLnSECURITY meets LeShoure2 CRE8 Drama for the first time since their controversial trade, only LeShoure and Denarius are on bye, while Dalton rides Toph's bench and Lance sits out with an injury. Guess its Marshall vs. Wayne in this one. Mr. McGibblets gets a chance to put his money where his (forum) mouth is in a showdown of 3-1 teams vs. Mr. Rodgers Hood. Grant...no wait we're all out of time. Sorry Grant. This is what happens when your normal power rankings guys don't write your power rankings.

Without further adieu, the weekly power rankings, brought to you by the good folks at Ernst & Young:

(Click on the rankings to enlarge the photo)

For those of you not understanding my Kate Upton cat daddy reference, enjoy:

Power Rankings Reaction

ZR def has a better poof, but I'd imagine their reactions were similar.



DRINK!

Week 4 Power Rankings

Very odd week in fantasy for Ricky Watters Fishing Charters. It was a week that saw no 100 point efforts and no double digit victories. Captain Insano walked away with the week’s biggest blowout (9.96 pts), despite the fact he had the sixth best scoring output. The “Joo-Doo” was in play for Mr. McGibblet’s, who won by a mere two points against the only team he could have beaten this week (Chris Sucks Johnson). Chris did suck Johnson for Bob, totally 29 yards on 15 touches. Amazingly, Johnson had 46 yards on 12 touches, before losing 17 yards on his last three rushing attempts. The man is redefining how bad a person can be at running back.

In other news, despite starting RB David Wilson (0.64 points), Heisenberg’s Heros was still able to land its first victory. An early exit from C.J. Spiller paved the way for Scott to make a move against Edlin’s formidable squad.

DezB TROLLnSECURITY and Chris Sucks Johnson were the first to stir up controversy in the forums with their surprising trade. However, the biggest surprise of the week, was that Miller has yet to pick up Golden Tate after his 1½ TD performance Monday night.

Here’s how all of this shakes up the rankings, presented as always (and by that I mean until Mike and Toph resume their roles) by Ernst & Young.

(Click on the photo to enlarge the rankings)

(Click on the photo to enlarge the rankings)

YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!

As we all know, fantasy football is a game based on the success of others, but in this league it seems as if there's been a shift in that the success of our teams has translated into the ability to bend the rules.  Rules are a funny thing, we all hate them, yet we all like to make them freely.  They are a constant reminder of how difficult it must have been for the founding fathers to run a country full of hooligans.  The Bill of Rights was formed though, a legendary document which despite the basic understandings had its own "loopholes" or "alternate meanings".  In time it has caused plenty of stirs amongst the people of this great nation.  You ask, how does this relate to fantasy football?  Well if you have tuned in to the past 4 days of posting on the leagues message board you would see that a battle has ensued based on the principles of the rules put in place this year, which we can clearly say was ALL MY FAULT.  For one, i apologize, initially i was simply looking out for the league and honestly doing everything i could to 1, argue a trade i didn't think was fair on paper , 2, make sure Edlin wouldn't win the league (sorry bro just he way it is when your the rookie n you don't draft your team), and 3 prevent a SUPERCONTENDER within the leagues field.  In the end, i lost, in some ways you could say I  was voted off the island n my opinion exiled.  Now the establishment of Rule 14.6, section 25 "THE DESIMONE TREATY" has caused more of a stir than imaginable.  One side argues based on the basics of the rule and that opinions should be subjective regarding the trade.  The other side argues the substance of the rule debating that is not fair on paper and exercises his rights , which hes free to do, to prevent a the troll n security board from STACKING as its said.   The rule was put in place for many reasons, and the conflict arises because it includes the commish.  Robert Talbot took on the responsibilities as commish ever since our previous commish the well loved Steven Kielt left, suit and all.  Since then Bob has done his best to create the fairest policies only to now hit a roadblock that has tarnished his reputation like Roger Goodell with the replacement refs.  The problem doesn't lie within his ruling though, which i think is the misconception here, Bob is a fantasy manager that has always managed his team based on risk, and due to that in the past he has put forth trades that may not benefit him specifically, but in the end could end up benefiting his team greatly.  Isnt this why we do this?, to risk it all, put it all on the line to make it rain dollar bills in the end and talk the most intense shit to our friends? In some cases yes,  despite that we all see where zach comes from with his argument based on the fact that Leshoure is a risk, but is he worth a top WR whos underperforming and a medium skilled receiver whose overperforming? Another factor that jumps into this is the Dalton section of the trade by which is not necessarily needd in the trade.  It seems as if it would make more sense to simply cut the trade down to avoid criticism.  Well, too late now, the trade is processed without a true vote, in some cases you could say against the rules put in place, and settled with no final conclusion.  So, similar to the packers/seahawks joke of a game that could affect playoff implications, what is to say about this trade gone wild.  I guess there's only one thing to say, the truth, in the last two years the commish has processed two trades that despite harsh criticism have went through no matter what argument has been made.  Not to single the commish out, it has been the same for everyone else.  In the end all we can decide is that in the future of trades in this league there can be no overturning despite the psychotic, corrupt, bullshit, horseplay that the trade might display cause in the final hour, it will just be processed anyways.  The picture to best depict this would simply be me building a wall to later see it knocked down by those who funded it.  You can argue, you can bitch and complain, but the truth is simple as a maryland crabcake, just eat it when its served cause otherwise its just a waste.  Gentleman, thats just what Maryland does, and thats what we should do.  This goes against my will and everything ive fought for but if two parties agree its the only way to solve this predicament.  From now on there shall be no debate, and the only ridiculing that should go on is the harsh criticism of the idiot that hit the accept button when he shouldve hit the reject button, after all, past the luck of it, skill and knowledge is the next best thing. 

Your Catalyst Liaison and External Commissioner of Desman FFL

James Joseph DeSimone, signing off (on the truth)

YOU KEEP IT REAL RICKY WATTERS, WE KNOW YOU WILL

CHECK THE LEAGUE BYLAWS!